This was a big day, and it required more self-control than I feared I could muster. I make the assumption, you see, that all the big web brands follow me around. They know everything about me. They know what I like, what I like to eat and even what I like to do when I’m not actually clutching one gadget or another. I gingerly squinted. Yet when I opened my eyes slightly wider, I felt odd. Surprise! I have no idea what this is. In that order, a painstaking examination of those words only tells me that this is a doll. Of some sort.
I’m special. So special.
Finally, though, the specific personal recommendations. The next recommendation was: “Color Wow Dream Coat Supernatural Spray – Multi-award-winning anti-frizz spray keeps hair frizz-free for days no matter the weather with moisture-repellent anti-humidity technology; glass hair results.” At this, my heart began to harden like a Jeff Bezos bicep. This was like going on a first date, and your prospective lover peppers you with questions they’d prepared in advance without actually reading your dating profile. You see, next came “NOCO Boost Plus GB40 1000A 12V UltraSafe Lithium Jump Starter Box, Car Battery Booster Pack, Portable Power Bank Charger, and Jumper Cables For Up To 6-Liter Gasoline and 3-Liter Diesel Engines.” It knows very little. I fear it knows practically nothing. This was like watching a penalty shootout performed by giraffes. This was like watching an elephant climbing a flagpole. This was worse than Netflix’s recommendation engine. I don’t use a cleansing balm, I don’t play tennis, I sleep quite well, thank you, and I don’t own an RV. My Prime Day experience, then, was quite uplifting. Perhaps tech companies don’t know quite as much about us as we fear. Perhaps their machines are so linear that they really are like rudimentary nerds, entirely unaware of even the basic nuances of the human soul. Perhaps there is hope, after all. And no, I didn’t buy anything on Prime Day. Well, apart from a couple of books.
